Shorts – they are tricky bastards. Easy to get wrong. Hard to get right. But I do believe there is a pair out there for everyone. First up, I’m obviously not talking really short shorts here, or ‘Love Island shorts’ as I like to call them. You know the ones that are so high-cut that you need a full-on Hollywood wax just to wear them. Also, while I’m on the Island (yes I am watching, don’t care if it’s not PC anymore. It’s good, mindless entertainment and I like it), what’s with the new ‘wedgie bikini’? I get that the young ladies of today don’t mind showing off their butt cheeks, but now it seems they are actively stuffing their bikini bottoms up their actual bottom. I must be getting old. I *almost* understood the underboob, but this is even more bizarre to me.
I’m thinking that none of us here are really in the market for that these days. What we need is something looser, something longer, but not too long, as really long shorts don’t do anyone any favours either. Nothing tight, but then again nothing too baggy. I’m telling you, buying shorts is a minefield! But I’ve taken some of the hard work away for you and narrowed it down to a few different styles that could work…
First off, we need to lament the demise of ‘The Best Denim Shorts Ever’. They were a one-shot deal from Topshop in 2020 and I pity the people who didn’t get their hands on them. I know the brand still exists online at ASOS, but frankly it’s rubbish now. As is Oxford Street without the big Topshop. It’s like the ravens leaving the Tower. Since it closed, everything around there has gone downhill. Unless of course you’re in the market for some overpriced American candy, in which case you’re in the right place. Word on the street is that the big Topshop is going to be made into an Ikea. Can’t see many people successfully getting home on the tube with a Billy bookcase though.
These denim shorts from Matalan are decent alternatives to the Topshop ones of yore. Good, wide legs and and an easy, elasticated waist. Plus they are a bargain at £10.
I shared this photo of men wearing Bermuda shorts and socks as a joke on Instagram last week. Turns out this is actually what men are required to wear in the office in Bermuda. Luckily, as ladies that live elsewhere, we don’t have to run with that look anywhere. You can wear yours with trainers and secret socks instead. Get your footsies from Primark. As a rule, I don’t shop there much, but I make an exception for their secret socks as they are the best on the market. I will fight anyone that says otherwise.
Can you wear shorts for a smart occasion? Well, that kind of depends on what the occasion is. High-powered business meeting in the city? Maybe not, unless you live in Bermuda, in which case it’s mandatory. But I think you could wear something like this in a slightly more relaxed workplace, or out for a nice lunch or dinner. Unless it’s one of those places that still has dress codes. We found out that even the Ivy Brasserie – which, let’s be honest, is basically a fancier version of Café Rouge – won’t let anyone in, not even small children, if they are wearing something the manager considers to be ‘too sporty’. Which I guess could include shorts of any type.
If you’re a seasoned shorts-wearer like myself you can maybe go for a bolder pair. Something with a print perhaps. My top choice would be animal print of course. Quick note on basics as I had a few messages this past week on where to look for plain T‑shirts and sweatshirts. My top spots for tees are Uniqlo, Arket and & Other Stories. All do very good quality ones in a variety of styles.
If you want something really light and airy for summer, go for a pair of linen shorts. God knows we’ve needed something like that this week in many parts of the UK. I know, I know, we spend most of the year moaning about how miserable the weather is and the minute we get a run of some sun, we all start complaining it’s too hot. ‘I mean, I like it hot, but not THIS hot.’ I actually don’t mind it, but then again I don’t have to be nose-to-nipple with 100 other sweaty oiks on the Piccadilly line every day anymore so I’m very lucky.
MORE DENIM SHORTS
Just because they are my favourite. For me, the trick to finding flattering shorts is to look for pairs that are loose-fitting, especially around the hem. I don’t want my flesh too squeezed. I look for ones with a decent gap between my legs and my shorts hem. Nothing too low rise: I like a good, higher waist. And nothing that’s too short. Look for shorts named as ‘Boyfriend’, ‘Paperbag’ or ‘Balloon’ fit. They should give you the thigh room you deserve. This pair from Boden are just perfect.
As it came second in the poll, next week I shall do White dresses and denim jackets. Sorry, if you’re going to Glastonbury, you are on your own. Take something sparkly, and some wellies and don’t look down when you use the toilets.