Today is my birthday. I am now 45 whole years old. That most definitely is middle aged. In fact realistically, it’s probably past middle age but if by any stretch of the imagination I do live to be 90, then this year is slap bang in the middle of my life. I’m not sure how I feel about living to be 90. It could go either way. I could be a dribbling wreck in nursing home being a drain upon my family, or I could just expire in the comfort of my own home — which will have to be a bungalow or a ground floor flat by then I should imagine, although I wouldn’t be adverse to a Stanna Stairlift. But, Hey, I’m not dead yet so here are my 10 signs that you really are middle-aged. Obviously as ever, when I say ‘You’, I mean me…
1. The radio in your car is permanently tuned to Magic FM. I’m like my very own minicab driver. I like the sweet sweet sounds of Mellow Magic. If I don’t hear ‘She’s Like The Wind’ by Patrick Swayze or ‘Broken Wings’ by Mr Mister at least once on a long car journey, then I’m just not happy.
2. The car you drive is that People Carrier you said you would never own. Or is that just me? I swore down that I would never have a ‘family’ car, but I did end up trading in my non family friendly mini for the cheapest 7 seater money could buy. It’s not cool, but it is practical when there are tip runs, football teams and Ikea cupboards to cart around. Plus if I’m going to listen the offical radio station of all Addison Lee cab drivers, I may as well have the same kind of car.
3. The font on your phone is so large it is visible from space. Because god-forbid you’d have to get your glasses out. This one hasn’t actually happened to me yet, but only because I am already so short-sighted that I can’t see more than 4 feet in front of my face without the aid of contacts or bottle top glasses. I fear it will still happen and bifocals will be the only option. Maybe I’ll wear them on the chain around my neck.
4. Large pants rule. Your underwear drawer is no longer full of lace and skimpy numbers. It features a good sensible selection of big pants and an abundance of thermals. I like a lot of coverage and I like to be warm. Being cold and uncomfortable is just not an option.
5. Loungerwear is King. Talking of warmth and comfort, I suspect you’ll also have a large selection of loungewear. Dressing up for leaving the house is still something I very much advocate. Never give up on fashion ladies, but once within the confines of your own home, all bets are off, as is the bra, the trousers and the shoes.
6. Comfortable shoes are key. On the theme of comfort, that also applies to shoes. No longer can I go for a day in heels. Although to be fair I don’t think ever was much of a heels girl, but I also have no patience with shoes that need to be ‘broken in’, a shoe should always be both comfortable and stylish. I will always still wear the best shoes I can. I will not ever into M&S Footglove territory just yet!
7. You favour an early start rather than late night. I have serious trouble staying awake past midnight, or even past 11pm, but I no longer fear an early wake-up. I’d rather be tucked up in bed with Netflix by 10pm than out at the latest place. I’d also rather go for lunch than dinner. A heavy meal in the evening is no good for my digestive system…
8. You spend quite a lot of time in front of the mirror, pulling your skin back and wondering if a full face lift really is the only option left. Is any amount of exercise going to lift my jaw line to the place it once was? Can I be arsed to even try? It’s easier to just use polonecks and scarves to hide the issue. When it gets too warm for them, I might think about going for run, or more likely, a nice brisk walk.
9. You can’t turn off the Playstation without the aid of a child. Literally every single time I have to ask one of them to do it, and put it back on the TV programme I want to watch. I like to think I’m quite good with technology, I mean I’ve mastered this blogging thing, but there are some things I just can’t be bothered to work out.
10. Afternoon naps give you more pleasure than almost anything else. There is nothing I love more than an afternoon sofa nap. I only need 10 minutes but it’s just glorious. The thing I look forward to most about retirement is the ability to nap on a daily basis.
There are so many more I could list. What are your sure-fire signs that you are getting older? I’d like to say I am embracing the ageing process but that would only be half true, in fact it would be a lie.
Fashion will retun on Sunday.