Unlike Valentine’s day, Mother’s Day is something I can get totally on board with. Yes, I want a homemade card made by my offspring. I also do sort of appreciate the sentiment of a bunch of weeds picked from the garden as no-one had been arsed to get me anything (this happened last year, I kid you not). This year I would very much like an actual gift. Materialistic? Yes indeed.
It doesn’t need to be very expensive, it just needs to be a little bit thoughtful. Flowers are fine too, plus booze. Stuff to put on my face will also suffice. I shall also be buying my own mother something. She put up with me being an absolute arsehole during my teenage years, honestly I was the worst. I was THAT teenager. The one that had a massive party while they were on holiday. The one that took her mothers car and drove it around town way before she had actually passed her driving test. The one who smoked ‘herbal’ cigarettes out of her bedroom window and took a plastic flask filled with creme de menthe from the drinks cabinet to the roller disco. I’m nice now though. Honest.
For Your Mother
For You (by You, I Mean, Me)
Treat Your Mother Right features Mr T rapping in short shorts about Mom’s troubles with three ‘mums’ on backing vocals. Sample lyrics: “M is for the moan, and the miserable groan/ From the pain that she felt when I was born.”
A Stone. Cold. Classic.